Yes I'm Changing

and I'm learning

playlist from me to you :

I’m anxious.

This feeling has followed me for many years. When I learned that I had anxiety at eleven years old, there was no clear way to cope. I quite literally felt like I was dying. My chest was swelling, my head would get dizzy, thoughts pouring in at a never-ending rate, my heart pounding, chills that fluctuated between extreme heat and shivers. It seemed to be the dominant force in my life. I felt like I didn’t have control of my emotions and I was afraid. I was afraid of being yelled at, getting in trouble, embarrassing myself, of what that one girl that would never stop picking on me had to say, offending someone by accident, not being pretty enough, thin enough, the list goes on.

Shortly after I starting going to therapy and I started learning coping skills that could maybe help in the moment when things started to get overwhelming, all consuming. And some other skills like breath work, new perspective, and daily ritual practices that kept the long-term me balanced.

Coping is a PRACTICE and honestly so damn hard. It is much easier to take the easy way. To dwell in the fear. To feel bad for yourself. Not saying any of this is wrong but to me, I just feel icky. Now things have shifted in my life. I’m not anxious about myself anymore. But it’s the external forces and letting go of control in others movin’ on up!

I pride myself often on my intuition and trusting myself and gut feelings. I say it all the time. I believe it. But sometimes something rocks my world and I think twice about it. I doubt myself. Validating that it is easy to dip into these thoughts after years of work and therapy. It happens to the best of us.

I sent a verrrryyyy long voice memo to a trusted friend asking for advice on what feels like the entire world is closing in on me and every aspect of my life is chaotic (but also oh so good? I can’t describe it) I’ve opened myself on experiencing both ends of the spectrum. I’m living my authentic truth, have a beautiful circle of supportive friends and community, am doing what I love, healthy parents and family members to cherish, a strong partnership where I feel seen and safe. This is all I have ever wished for. I am in no way referencing this and not recognizing how fantastic I have it. How grateful I am for this life. So, then why do these feelings still come up?

With greatness and authenticity comes the balance of all that is left. The more resistance, the more push back. The more joy, the more others try and bring it down. My friend put it perfectly in saying that this is all information!

Information on the people in your life and why, what is a fit for you or not, what your body accepts as truth and what it rejects, as she is a true teller of that. I have had many trials of back bending for someone or to fit a standard and it never. works. out.

I’m using this information to make decisions for myself and hold true that no matter what, any decision I make for myself is right because I’m making it for me. Anxiety is an answer to something. But also to take the somatics out of it, (wow I know. Truly shocking that I would ever say that!) anxiety is a mental health condition that may be hereditary, or your chemical makeup and susceptibility to anxious thought patterns.

Please also keep in mind, past triggers come up all the time, even if you seem healed from it all. This is your body’s knowing. It is the great equation of the x independent variable. What was added to the problem. and then the y dependent variable. The reaction of adding x. The answer you know. This is what your body remembers. It keeps the score. So go with grace, as the mind is the hare and your body is the tortoise

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Nothing is outside of you

My belief and what I preach is that yes, we all assign meaning and symbols to almost every thought, experience, and object in our lives, but that is your own symbol and may be different for someone else. It’s your meaning and that’s special. But if someone is telling you this = that, and it doesn’t feel true, then trust that truth. Your anxiety can tell you so many things. So many untrue things. It is how you filter that information, react, take it, and apply it to your life. How you see yourself is how you are. So I don’t define myself as an anxious person, even though history has shown said statement. I am just simply myself, who copes with anxiety as it comes and flows with it. I’m just doing my best, and that is the best I can do.

Abundant blessings ∞

-madison renee katherine