what's-a-matter?

hiiii

I’ve been taking a break from life and started to actually live. How does this work you ask? I have a week off of work and school, which grants more time for me to not only be myself but to be with myself. I am the driving force in all that I do, aside from Goddess (who is also within), so every step I take is my own righteous path. I am not immune to this truth, but I realize the society that set this system up for me to pursue my passions I must sacrifice myself, my time, and my energy by working 50+ hours a week to get where I need to be, is not necessarily a path I would have chosen. Isn’t it ironic how most paths of healers are not slow in structure, but actually quite literally forcing us to tap into a breaking point space? Where we are put well beyond our limits to see if we can still hold space for others.

I was yapping with Kayla the other day, as we do, and we both had been met with a lack of go-go-going this past week and we actually started to feel anxious about it. We in fact both mentioned feeling like we were having mini breakdowns and confused as to why with this time to breathe, would cause such havoc in our nervous systems. With her in law school and me, a social worker, the norm is to push past your physical and energetic limits, so to halt in that rhythm is what she described as a shock to our systems, and I could agree more. This time of limited obligations and “freedom” can be scary to face, because this is a moment where your brain and body are catching up with one another.

I described it to her, as my friend Kylie describes mercury retrograde (which is happening currently, fyi). Think of yourself on the highway, driving next to a car in the lane over. If you start to speed up, and the car next to you keeps its MPH, it looks as if they are going backward, but it is only an illusion. This is how I feel when we get breaks in our obligations. Your brain and body are the two cars next to each other, and either your brain or your body retrogrades. In this case, my brain was keeping speed while my body was in retrograde, and it felt tense at that.

A time of body slow down allows your mind-muscle somatic connection to recalibrate and meet you where you are. How many times have you experienced something, whether it was stressful or a real trigger to something unresolved and you just pushed past it? That you didn’t even give it the time of day to settle and went straight into your survival mode of choice? Sometimes, you don’t have a choice but to go this route.

Think of this: Energy cannot be created nor destroyed. Simply transformed.

The time of silence, of no alarm wake-ups, of nervous system recalibration, is the time when our bodies feel safe enough to bring up all unresolved chaos. The less you hesitate to just sit and feel because now you have the time to, the easier this process gets. I took this time after a mini-panic because it’s like you almost forget how much you hold on to, and I sat outside, watched the sunset, and streamed consciousness by speaking all my thoughts out into a voice note to listen to later.

side note: I saw a perfectly articulated TikTok that I reposted about therapy and how our nervous systems are political. How you are feeling DOES have everything to do with what is going on in our world. The therapist said: “How can I tell someone to take a deep breath when they cannot afford rent? Or is afraid of being deported? Healing does not mean accepting injustice.” Remember this the next time you are a little confused as to where allllll these emotions are coming from.

I’ve also been leaning into the idea of sharing less with others outside my circle. This may sound catty but as much as I want to share with all my girlfriends or those who are asking how I am, I have been kind of loving the PC answer. The “I’m good how are you?” Because although leaning on community is something I preach, I have been trying to trust my instinct more, not second guess myself, and trust that I have all the knowledge within. Our bodies are so intelligent, especially us women, and I’m done dismissing Her. This is where Goddess lies, and has been the root of my practice for this Venus retrograde. In other words, trusting your body, your energy, and your intuition to guide you where you need- that is where God lies. You don’t need anyone else telling you where to turn.

This has been helping me tenfold in all aspects of life because 1. I cannot falter myself, all that is meant to happen will. and 2. it has helped me feel the most authentic and in control of my power amidst the pulls of my work, career, side-quests, and schooling. As simple as it sounds, you know what’s best for you!

Another part of my reasoning for doing this is because I honestly do not resonate with where girls my age are at in life. Would I want to take advice from someone’s life I do not crave or desire? No. Does that make them wrong? Also no. But does that make me right? Yes. Only as I am feeling it, it is right for me. If you are someone who leans on constant advice from those around you, I encourage you to experiment a little if it feels safe to do so. Try just going with your gut for the little things. Restaurants to try, drink order, that outfit you’ve been eyeing, how to bring up a conversation with someone. Let me emphasize again: I have my LADIES who bring me so much joy and comfort that I trust see life the same way I do. Do not mistake my privacy for shutting the world away.

Happy first day of spring, the equinox, the astrological first day of the year, that fiery Aries season. If I can leave you with anything at the start of this year, is that you must must must trust yourself. You must must must be devotional to yourself. You must must must recalibrate. Love ya.

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and catch me meditating soon.

Abundant blessings ∞

-madison renee katherine