Third & Last

I’ve always been told I was an old soul, that I have been on this Earth at least once before. I grew up around adults, conversing and acting among them was effortless for me, and honestly expected. I was also the first-born daughter in a divorced household, so taking care of my younger sister as the ‘other’ parent in our respective homes was a task I burdened. This seemed to come naturally to me, this earthly experience and I remember the first time I recognized it myself. I was ten years old, hanging out with my twelve-year-old friends (as we know this trend follows me). I felt so cool. One friend was sharing her struggles with anxiety and depression, and thoughts of self-harm. I immediately transformed into Therapist Madison, a hat I have worn for many years. I offered advice, sought external support, and found resources online although limited at the time. When that friend shared how much that helped, and told me I was mature, I could sniff out the self-proclaimed identity from a mile away. I took it and ran.

I have found myself surrounded by those much older than me, and instead of squirming with discomfort, I fit right in, like the perfect vintage sweater. Of course, I have friends who resemble my age but they are few and far between. I wore it as a badge of honor that an older crowd enjoyed my presence and vice versa. This dynamic and identity cost me some grueling life experiences but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I saw a psychic in 2021 when I was in one of the valleys of life. She shared that it was my third and last life as a soul on planet Earth. Hearing this was daunting, mesmerizing, but also calming at the same time? To think that I, yes, have been here before and my karmic cycle led me here… but now I won’t be returning. An odd concept to contemplate whether you believe it or not. I am not taking her insight as the end-all-be-all.

and I like to think about who my past selves were and I sometimes get caught up in it, wondering what life is like without my mom, my sister, my grandfather, my best friend, and Lover that I know now. I wouldn’t be who I am without them and their impact, so who were those people to me in my last life? Dwelling on this is not something I do often because honestly, it scares me to think about.

Was my past self as romantic as I am now? Did she hold herself the same way I hold myself now?

It seems impossible because my radical romantic outlook on life is concentrated. After all, I am buzzing with love. I have always held a romantic view of the world, sure. But previous experiences squashed that side of me like a ripened blueberry under a thumb.

Just like I call myself a poet, because I am one and that doesn’t go away, I don’t find myself turning to poetry as often anymore because inspiration strikes during dark nights of the soul. I’m just in a different season.

I know I am most likely younger than any of you reading this because I know myself, my friends, and my “crowd”. Don’t get me wrong, I love it! I find it hard to relate to anyone my age. I was speaking with a coworker of mine about this. He will always comment on my presence and the way I hold myself. And the other day he brought something to light that was difficult for me to articulate, but exactly what I am feeling. That I feel like I don’t have time for the “nonsense” of a traditional young adulthood track. We know by now there is nothing traditional about your literal life path and one can find importance in having fun, messing around, and just doing whatever. I don’t judge that experience. On the other hand, I feel judged by my supposed ‘peers’ who think I take life too seriously. But that is just who I am, and always have been.

Graduation Cap Bruce found from 1971

I feel like I’m running out of time.

How is this so? I am freshly 22. Almost halfway through my graduate program and will be a licensed and practicing therapist by the 25. That’s when your frontal lobe is fully developed! Quite the perfect timing if I say so myself.

It is something I notice, and keep tabs on, how do I grow and change and learn how to live this life as an adult in this world when I have always felt like one? When I have always been treated like one? Even when it took so much away from me. How do I navigate what it is like to be a twenty-something in my own way? Does it mean anything at all?

Not having the time I think is not necessarily that I want to do more or accomplish more. I am satisfied with the energy I am producing. It is more about how easy it can get for the darkness to consume me, for the lessons of my past remind me of all I have given to others who have taken from me with no regard. So much so that I have firm boundaries in place with how I will be treated. I take solace in my ability to say no now, and sometimes not saying no but saying nothing at all. Turning away.

This is why I find gravity in my mindfulness practices, in the art of slowing down.

I applaud myself for making that a priority within the last year. It helps when I have someone to come home to. (Endless gratitude for you, Lover)

Even with this intense maturity and emotional intelligence I always find this space within me for growth, as that is never over. A year ago I never would have known the peace I feel in my life. The ability for me to love and be loved in such a special, unique, soul-blazing way. To watch me become uncomfortable and persevere: In saying no, nothing at all, sticking up for myself, not explaining myself, sharing my thoughts and tools with others, being vulnerable, being sad and mad. Separating from people and places that don’t align anymore. Recognizing my limitations in doing so as well.

It isn’t an easy task to embody this, but I know that my spirit provokes me to do so. It feels right to be here exactly where I am. When I feel uncomfortable in a situation, I know it is because I am destined to be in a place greater than, and the only way out is through. But it doesn’t have to be through the ways and projections of others, but only truly your way.

I am a trailblazer of love.

Thank you for being here and being you.

Abundant blessings ∞

-madison renee katherine