Re:treat

When a leaf freshly falls even though it’s dead, I tend to it. I caress it with my thumb, I do not dare pick at it. Pick its body apart peeling from the base like I would an obvious one, however, I find new ways to make myself feel small and smaller and smaller. Whether that’s my past of not eating, overexercising, introspective torment, not speaking up. Within all of those things, why do I preserve the technically dead life of a leaf, yet just deny myself access to my own existence? I set it aside for others. Am I truly a natural-born caretaker and lover and human connecter, or is it just a way to give myself peace of mind that I do have a role on this planet? That I am here for a reason, and the security of that identity makes it easier to punish myself because sometimes my thoughts feel too much: too wide too broad too introspective too scatterbrained that I don’t know what else to do with myself. So maybe I perfectly crafted this identity this mirage of who I feel I’m meant to be. I mean I do fit in it well.

These questions are fruitless, even though rooted in authenticity. These are things I ask myself. I know the answers. Well, not THE answer but I cannot offer anything less than who I am at my core. My mother’s one wish for me when I was born was to know who I am, and be that person. I fulfilled her prophecy.

This clearly I am showing you is not without doubt. Not without testing the brakes before buying the car.

Tone is powerful.

Tone is everything. And honestly, the tone as of late has been depressing. It’s been a lull. I am often conflicted in my feelings because I have truly never felt more right where I’m supposed to be, but there’s a twinge of something in the air. Something in the belly of the beast that we are ALL experiencing right now. Is it cosmic chaos, beyond the divine? Or does it start and end right here in this earthly body? In the planet of now.

These days seem overwhelming to me now because I do not have time for dilly-dallying. I do not have time for wish-wash. Now, we all have our own stories to tell about what this means for us, but, to me, time is wasted on fluff. To deal with any and all bullshit that comes my way. Recently, I’ve been retreating.

R E T R E A T

Retreat for me lately is about just removing. No unnecessary precautions taken. Whether that is not answering text messages, muting conversations on my phone, or setting time limits on social media (I often ‘ask’ for more time but trying to learn, ‘what’s there?’). Or here’s a big one. Not overexplaining myself. Just doing. This is hard when you don’t have a space of your own, but just as needed. This is a time in my life when I do not have much free time at all. Especially with the nature of my program in social work. Your brain never shuts that off. That is my life. And the pockets of free time I receive are a blessing, but I usually just want to spend that time with Lover recovering, or bury myself in tasks. I thrive off checking that task off my list.

I’m doing some of these things and it never seems like enough to fully be myself and be happy about it. My priorities are shifting, my circles have shifted. Grief is imminent. I need to focus more on just the simple act of retreating when I feel overwhelmed. I must make retreat a practice weekly, if not daily, to protect my integrity. To protect my peace and power. To foster connection within so I can have these containers for others.

I am learning to adapt to my environment, working on the perfect camouflage from predators. Not in terms of fear, but in survival.

Sometimes survival is us doing our best.

Abundant blessings ∞

-madison renee katherine