From me, to me

and you!

It’s cancer season! Ahhh my season. Technically I am on the cusp of cancer/leo but I resonate hard with cancer, the mother, the earth, the water, the flow. What better way to embrace Cancerian energy than love letters?

You’ve Got Mail!

We see them in childhood movies, our grandparents’ armoires, and in our children’s lunchboxes. I write many for Lover, mostly because I leave before he awakes and hate not having a proper goodbye. They appear on old grocery receipts, sketchbook paper, gum wrappers, and pretty much anything I can find lying around and they get stuck to the fridge for his kind sleepy eyes in the morning. Cards are another form of love letter I write, oftentimes they come with a personalized watercolor front and words from the heart in the center. It’s kind of like how I perceive myself. Soft and personalized on the outside, with a heartfelt true center.

I may perceive myself as such, but it has taken work, time, and darkness to get here. And to be brutally honest, sometimes I feel like there’s a manic entity inside me that turns a light switch on and off frantically between love and loathe for myself.

kinda like this…

anyone else? no.. okay.. lol

For example, most of the time if I see a picture of myself that someone else took, I am flooded with embarrassment and ick. And it’s not necessarily because I don’t like what I look like, it’s a general wave of disgust that has been planted there for a while. I’m uprooting it now, though, and burning the stems so they don’t propagate thus far. Feeling terrible about or for yourself is exhausting, and not what I preach. SO I’m taking my own damn advice.

Dearest Madison,

look how far you’ve come, baby! A strong and talkative little one you were, who had quite the obsession with Princess Aurora and would frolic outside and make mystical ‘potions’ in your grandparents’ yard with your cousin. You’ve dealt with the divorce of your parents, something you pushed away for so long, ignoring its impact on you. It’s okay to recognize the hurt and confusion it caused. Going back and forth was tough, packing a bag of your belongings once a week to stay in a place that wasn’t home. You moved a lot but handled it all with grace.

You watched your parents fall in love with other people, you grew attached to them, and then watched the relationships fall apart. You’ve dealt with anger and grief head-on in many ways. Many ways your little brain couldn’t comprehend. You’ve always been too wise for your years and that has served you but also made life a lot tougher, a lot more intense. You never really had that childlike naivety, and for that, you should be grateful but I also understand some envy in others. It’s okay to grieve that, but it is not a missing piece in you.

You have always put others first and I applaud your humility, but sometimes you spread yourself too thin. I think you’ve been doing an amazing job at starting to take care of yourself. That is integral in truly helping others, especially those that mean the most. Your sensitive and trusting nature is sacred, but it led to you being taken advantage of a lot. A lot. By men who have no control over their lives and saw your kindness and took it for themselves. They played THE game but without these experiences, you wouldn’t be living this amazing fulfilling gorgeous life with your best friend. (I brought you up a ton already, sorry not sorry <3) I think every day you are grateful for this and sometimes can’t fathom how it happened. But it happened because you deserve it, ˗ˏˋYOUˎˊ˗ deserve reciprocation for the love you share.

Your love of music and movement is not unique but doesn’t come easy to most, and your vulnerability in sharing and listening is just you. Don’t lose that. Know it’s okay to retreat sometimes, to hibernate, to recharge. This will be so important as a therapist. It’s also okay to evolve in your needs. To know what you want even if it doesn’t align with the norm. You’ve always had a knowing, and you’ve always trusted it. Keep it up. I know sometimes you think you’re too strange or that most wouldn’t understand how you think but that’s not the principle. It doesn’t matter. Again, just continue to be true, and the rest will follow.

And speaking on that, it isn’t goofy to have trust in the Universe, that everything will work how it is supposed to. But how human is it to second guess that? Be human, you aren’t a machine and your heart is your superpower.

Madison, how proud of you am I, instead of dismissing it, I want you to say thank you and feel that beam of pride within you. Sit with it. Life is amazing and perfectly imperfect and anxious and dreadful and insane and thrilling and calm and easy and warm and fuzzy and unpredictable and trusting.

Love you forever,

Me xx

Abundant blessings ∞

-madison renee katherine