Fetch the boltcutters; I’ve been in here too long.
What is here, you ask? The destructive timeline of following what I’m told subserviently. This word, subservient, has come up a lot for me in therapy lately.
This new moon mercury retrograde vortex has been compelling and information-heavy for me. It feels like a summary of the year we’ve had. New moons are usually all about the shadow, the dark, which we tend to neglect or repress for good measure. Mercury retrograde can go any which way, which is why so many are afraid of it. To me, mercury gives no care to the subservient. He is bold and audacious. He is also confusion and chaos but with the intention to make you move. (again, this is my rendition of these periods, but of course, AstrologyOf is the master.
In this fine line of opposite swings of the continuum, I’ve found that it is completely reasonable not to fuck with unreasonable. We’ve truly unlocked a new chapter of humanity where religious extremism, holy wars, or hateful beliefs in the name of god aren’t just someone else’s political identity, they can feel like a personal attack on your core self. This is the wound of our world. We as humans have done miraculous things, yet the most man-made thing of all in my mind is philosophy; and then judging others for theirs.
I’m sick and tired of paving the way for others, of ‘helping them help themselves’ for the sake of laying myself down as a brick path for them to plod on. I wanna tell and not ask. I wanna be bold and audacious in the face of adversity. I want a simultaneous understanding that life can be free, fun, and beautiful while words and actions hold weight and can take a toll over time.
I am feeling like a lone sheep marinating in the fox’s spit. Yet, I don’t feel alone at all.
My presenting problem (while also protecting it) is such:
I’ve spent most of my life suffocated and buried deep in the dirt where the worms are listening, taking notes, but not ever taking a fresh breath. All I know is the ground, the deep earth. I know it so well it is mapped in my head. I know the inner workings of almost anyone, and I have the power to decode because I’ve spent so much of my life devoted to silent studying. And feeling. But never expressing. Recently, I’ve seen hands reach down in the pit, waving at me. Then maybe a foot. More and more loose limbs until I found the strength to grab onto one and claw my way up and take a gasping breath. I feel grounded in my cause and reason for expression. This, however, has rocked the ground around me, the ground that was being pat down with the blunt end of a shovel. So much so that the earth quaked, and I’m not safe underground anymore. I must face this on land. And I’m ready to. It won’t be easy.
Make sense?
People are afraid of the earthquake and even blame me for the shake, but really, the Earth has felt unsettled for quite some time. Embracing the shake is the name of my game now. What this shake has taught me the most thus far is that instead of asking for what you deserve, embodying it is the best way to show up authentically for yourself. Be the shake!!!! You set the tone instead of letting the tone sway you. (There are times when this way applies. remember: there’s always give and take) If you show up with a set amount of space you need and don’t compromise, you’ll find out a lot quicker who and what has room for you. If you decide that you are worthy of love and respect no matter what, then those who meet you with disrespect and unloving nature will be like gnats underneath the fox’s tail.
Guys, this is so scary. But we’re doing it anyway because you are too precious not to at least try. People you love are not going to get it. And here’s where you decide. Life ebbs and flows, but maybe, at this moment, their presence is not safe for you. And it is okay to take a step back. Especially if you have fought hard to make it work, but it still isn’t serving you. I’m gently reminding you of this now because we are amidst the Holidays, and oftentimes, we can feel obligatory guilt if we can’t make family time work.
If you cry out and don’t hear a rebutting screech back, I’d argue you aren’t doing important work. Important work rocks boats. It causes earthquakes. It shifts consciousness. Boundaries, or lack thereof, are challenging and can feel tormenting when you’re the only person seemingly keeping them in check. I am at peace and on fire. Sag energy.
As I said, the holidays are difficult for some, so find your people who make you feel solid in your footing. And if you don’t think you have your people right now, my hands are reaching in the pit for you. I’ve got you.
Abundant blessings ∞
-madison renee katherine