Bound By Nothing

The Loneliness Spiral

I find it hard to be alone with myself…

My most recent therapeutic venture has been not really the ‘why’ to this reality, but how, implementing sustainable change, a healing connection back with me. It’s so easy for me to be with others, even when it sometimes takes e v e r y t h i n g out of me. I do know when to retreat to my room, or take a walk, or shower, or distract, and I see myself as an independent person. I have paved the way as a firstborn daughter in my family, the first to do many things. I’ve lived alone in a new city, I can take care of the basics alone, and I can sit with myself, it is not chronic. But, I don’t enjoy it. Or rather, let myself enjoy it. As I said, I distract. With technology, with texting, with one of my thousand jobs lol. I like to keep busy.

I know that if I am alone, I will be okay and manage, but I want this time which isn’t too often, to be sacred to me, to be a holy space where I feel connected to source just as I do when with Lover or my mom and sister.

This is also separate from not knowing who I am. Because I have known that for most of my life. I have never been lost in my journey. I have always stayed true to myself. There have been dips in confidence or worth, sure, just like everyone, but those necessary dips only brought me closer.

You have to go through the darkest depths to be the light.

Nina Simone put it beautifully:

I even texted my mom in a recent episode of ‘The Lonely Spiral’ (trademark me) and asked “Did you let me play alone as a child?” Oh the psychologist, always bringing it back to childhood. She told me yes, but that I didn’t like it, I always asked her to play with me, and when I was with friends even at an early age, I focused more on taking care of them than playing. oof. Sounds like me!

My wonderful therapist reminded me of something I preach but have a hard time practicing. You have to practice the coping skills that work for you in times of ease for them to also take flight when you are in dire times of need. So together we brainstormed ways to come back to myself.

As a teenager, I turned to art for this alone time. I was able to focus on something but also express myself and play. Then it developed into poetry. Now writing here I guess? But I miss the hands-on of a sketchbook and charcoal-stained fingerprints.

Ideas (for you too!)

-art: physical, digital, crafting, sewing, crocheting, ceramics!!

-journaling in silence

-meditation

-stretching

-do your own yoga flow (no video)

-painting your nails

-listening with the window open (You never know what you may hear)

-making a nourishing meal or beverage and eating in silence

I’ve already started some of these with INTENTION and it’s a world of a difference to just have a self-practice set aside for the day. I learn more about my thought patterns, my cycles of emotion, how I truly feel in my body.

This also is not to dismiss my need as a social human who thrives on connection with others. She‘s still the star of the show. But now it’s all about the balance baby. I talk about this all the time. The energies that rule nature which in turn ‘rule’ us:

The feminine rest 𓃮The masculine do.

The flora - nurturing itself to support others 𓃮The fauna- caring for others and survival

Yin- Receptive 𓃮 Yang-Dynamic

Prana- Life FORCE, Consciousness 𓃮 Apana- Grounding, Outward push. Exhale

We need both for regulation. We need darkness for light. We need inhale for exhale and exhale for inhale. We need each other, but we need ourselves, first.

Find just a minute for you today, and see how good it feels. Even if it’s a huge breath cycle at a red light. And try to practice coming back to yourself, as I will do too.

Write it down if you want ⇊⇊⇊⇊⇊⇊⇊⇊⇊⇊⇊⇊⇊⇊

Abundant blessings ∞

-madison renee katherine

Here for you